Friday, December 3, 2010

Fallen Path

I have been working alot of hours at my job trying to take care of the home and with holidays knocking on the door its no fun any more. I think that I should use this to vent to express my self but so far late at night I find my thoughts are random. I mean that I do have to hide that I wear female clothing from most on lookers around me and at work too. I have lately gotten to the point where I mix and match some clothing to bring my self around. There are days that I have gotten almost full dressed up but for make up. I choose one day to have my hair cut short and dont know why I did it. I find that my self is lost in the every change of life now. I find that the same old me just getting mixed in to some body new and a little odd . I guess that I am fearing the changes cause I don't want to really know that well my life has changed or that my being is growing. I do find that my little girl is taking a new liking to seeing me dressed up like a woman its kind of a bond that we share. I share this bond with a few family member but I am so badly wanting to come out and say hey I'm a cross-dresser and very much proud of it. I love wearing woman clothing and shoes cause they are so very off limits but also cause they let me express my own personal freedom. If any body gets a personal ideal for a photo of family ho ho cards to well let the news out to the family then please share it with me.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Slow Return

I can say that I have slowly gotten back in to doing my own little things around the house and plus adding some new things on my way home. I mean that I wait till the coast is clear before I change my outfit from the hard working male to a gentle but kind hearted female or the any thing along those lines. I have tried on many outfits and put together some real nice ones. I drive home dressed up letting other drivers see me as the female side while on the way to work people see me as the working male. I know that I have chosen a duel side kind of life style that some may question me about. i can say that I have final feel some freedom and realism of the life I live. I mean for the longest time I have to hide every thing from any body and every body. I didn't want to chance that some body would take what I do wrongly.  I find that now that I have gotten back in to my normal deal things will be more settled. I think that I shall start writing more t reflect back on my life changing times and what events was or had happen in my life to make me who I am today.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lost thoughts

I can say that I have been busy with work and plus many other things around my house too. I do take some time to enjoy a nice little dress up time to fell alive some times. I find that walking around in heels have chanced a little when I walking some thing with out a high heel. My hips move different than what would call normal. I cant say that I notice it till now that they swing as I walk when I take my normal steps. I also notice that my upper chest has started to grow but not cause of the heavy lifting I do  at work but with a little help from under support things have gotten a little more giggly. I guess that I didn't notice the minor little things cause I  they seem normal to me. Then I final got a good look that things I over looked some other people took notice. A friend I'd worked with for a couple of years notice that my chest has started to get bigger which is funny. I find that maybe I should take more notice to some things and watch how people see me as a person before I do too much changes. I can say that around my house things are normal life semi-female attire is the normal thing. I have also been including little outside step around my town to build up some comfort zones too where I can have a little more breathing space.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


I can say that I had to take some time away from here to do some thinking on things. I did try to change for some body and well it turned out they tried to change me instead. I found out that some body that I thought I could get along with turned out to be some body that wasn't open minded to some body like me. I then slowed down to come back down to earth. I then found the one person that I thought had been lost to me was waiting to take me back after all the time. I can say that she took me back with open arms. I can say that I have been also having talking time with some of my long distance family getting some good things are looking up. I find that they like how we now have a common ground to talk about. I mean one day my cousin asked me about some fashion tips and she liked how I paired out a very nice outfit for her. I can say that this made me feel so good inside about that. I can say that I will be having more open time to give tips to her and plus she will do the same for me too.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Am I being brave or following my own path?

I can say that when I started to do this I was scared about it. I did think any body would connect to me or read what I write. Then I started to branch out make friends and things. That gave me hope and spirit to do more. I have been trying to make things clear about what I am here for. I can say that I see allot out there putting their own face to this world and time for me to do the same thing. I can say that I have been doing some reinventing of my self and the world around me. I'm taking more daring step in the day light hours around where I live to dress up as a woman. I'm letting go of my shadow past that I had about this side of my life and building things up. No I'm not going to go out and have my sex changed sorry but that's not me.

I love having what god gave me and all but I have final fused my spark of my male and female side to make one whole person. I'm not a man trapped in a woman's body and I am not a woman trapped in a mans body. I final  like the act of dressing like a woman and its some thing that comes natural like breathing air or taking a walk.My taste for this life is mine own. i know that there has been many that came before me and blazed a path other gender boundaries breaking but guess what its time for me to break my own boundaries as a person. Like any person I have feelings I have hopes but its based on what I want out of this life not what some body made me do or what some body before me did. The path less traveled is where you will find me. Building there for any to follow or any to help on this adventure called life.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Finally Breaking My Gound.

I am taking bold step in my path show who I am and becoming out of my shell. I have talked about doing so but never have done it. I have final come out of my shell and started to do things more strongly. I can say the time form my fear has come and gone. Time for a new person to stand fast and let my face be seen. I am final doing less talking and more action. I know that I want to do outside shoot and some of my dress's too. I final have guts to show my face and let it be know I am a person of flesh and blood and not a bad looker too. But things has to get better for me to dig in more let things be know to my family. I do fear that they want to take my kid away from me if they find out. They would think Im a sexual freak and charge that at me.I ask people please do just talk to me listen to me as I have listen to you give me feed back please so I have ideals to run with.

My Thoughts and Hopes

I have been doing some reading of others post and listening to them. I can say a lot of points are out there in good ways. I have taken some time to reflect back on my own life and the things I have done. I don't know where my path leads e right now. The trial of it has been real hard and shadow with doubt. I try so much to keep my head above the massive flow of endless waters. I know that a life line will come some day soon but till then I shall keep trying I will push to make my self better to grow to get stronger.

I know that as I do all this I have to look back and say I was that person but I am stronger. I told ever body here that I do have a minor child in the house and how she is learning about who I am as a parent and a person. I don't expose her to things that will harm her. But I do let her know that I will always be both who I am and the biggest thing I will always be her father.  In her eyes I am both the mother and father. I may not have the right body parts to show I am the mother  but she knows that I am that. I can say that she has been around this kind of deal well since she was very little and knows me better than any body.

I have read exposing a child at a young age to this kind of deal might hurt or help them. I can say I on a learning curve with. I don't change in front of her but she does see me dress as a woman. She loves my outfits and like my self she loves shoes. She does help me pick out day to day wear some time with her own little taste and ideals. I give her much credit as I do my own self.

I know that some may crush my thoughts of exposing my child to a lifestyle like this but I can't go around and hide it from her. My own parents did  things that where out sight of us kids but we came upon them by accident and shock. I can't hide that I love dressing like a woman feeling the freedom to express that in how I dress from her. That would only be showing that I'm a half dad to her. I can't be a half parent and have dark secrets from her. I have to become more open with my life so when my time come in the end I will not fear to let things out or have any hidden truths. My won family that do know have turned away from me. I have very few on my side in my own family.  So I reach out to people to express my joys to get the comfort of knowing that there are others like me in this world that enjoy it the same way I do.

I do embrace any thoughts that share with me. I enjoy the good along with the bad. I know I still fear the people around here finding that the once kind heart man that lives among them has a secret. I fear that they would not understand or be very upset with how they came to find out. I strive to lead a normal life in  my own way. I'm not a man I'm not a woman but a person with flesh and blood. I embrace my spark as it became one. I am a person that enjoys dressing like a  woman with the the nature made male body. I am human. I don't want to be any thing more than who I am.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

No Picture Shoot.

I so badly wanted to do my own little picture shoot in part of my house but after working so long on the yard and working late nit's just took its toll. I will so deeply try to make it up and do it. I have older picture but none look good enough to post on any where. I also will have to try to do some work with my yahoo group to get more people to join there. I'm trying so hard to make things simple fly in to place but all it looks like is a big bird splat on my windshield. The flavor is got to be there or I just lose interest in it. Got to have spice of life to show who I am.

I am me hear me roar. I shall try to venture out in this big world and make my voice heard. i will not pass in to the nit like crying howls of a wolf. I shall raise my hands to the sky to embrace my joy and embark on this new journey I call LIFE. Ladies please take a stand don't let silence be your voice. Speak your mind challenge your self each day to get stronger smarter. If one door close hope will open one more for you.

Cheap Thrill

I can say that today was a fun time. I got on my way home from work when I notice that my van was starting to over heat. I thought oh this not what I wanted to face on my way home right now. Lucky me I had packed a couple of jugs of coolant to hold over till I got home. Thats not the real trick but what how I was dressed was the real trick. I was wearing a knee length black dress and a pair of my favorite heels. I pulled over to put the coolant in and trying to keep the wind from lifting my dress up was fun.

There is so much more that I had to do was trying to keep the dress down and not let every body see what I had on under it.  I almost spilled the coolant down the front of my dress and shoes too. The side of a highway is not the best place to be doing it but I had to or mess up my van. I had a laugh cause after I got every thing settled  and headed back in to the van a big truck blows by lifting the back of my dress flashing every body my rear. I had a long laugh on my way home.

I can say for once I was daring enough to stop to fix the coolant deal with my van while I was dressed up. I never would have done that before. I am taking more pride in my self and feeling my freedom open up to it now. But I think the lesson I learned the most not to wear a dress on the side of the highway and  watch for big truck to fly by too. I think I today after some rest I will try to do a little picture run to see how I turn out and maybe be daring that way too to post it out there.  Time to bring Laura out to the world that just hiding in my own little house all dressed up.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Work Day Blues

I can say that I am bound to hide my self at my job due to the nature of the type of work I do. I can't express my self like I want to do so. I did when I was on one shift and then when I moved to my new shift their I had to watch what I wear. Some of them are young fools and other old men that fear change. I find my self putting my feminine clothing on under my normal work clothing. When I do that I start to get hot and bothered doing my job.

I try so hard to blend in to my surrounding  and yet things do work out like they should. I feel that I work my self to the bone to make my self blend. The people that I try to call my friends don't get what I am. I find that my life is partly hidden due to who i am. If i could be more open with people that I call my friends then I would feel a lot better.

I find that when i am fulled dressed out thing feel much better. I don't feel bound to one form like when I am at work. I have to hide that I have woman's clothing on just so I don't get teased about it. I have a big fear that some body is going to find out and then all hell will break free. Like how I work will not get trusted that line for me will be drawn. Those kind of fears lay awake in my head all nite long as I work my fingers to the bone. I hope my life will show a up side some day.

My Group

I started a group a while back and have done very little with it. I have been working on it right now to make things better. I mean there was a time that I started to jump in to things and then went slow cause of what I was working on and other minor projects I popped up doing. I have been also looking on how I could get back to letting my thoughts out in many ways. By that I'm exploring my inner self and exploring the paths ahead of me. I am offering any body that read this a place in to my group to let your self out there too. Dont just hide here let your thoughts and feeling out there. If you have any kind of pictures that you feel you want to post then please do so. No body will judge you or ask you to judge them.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Simple thoughts

I can say that I have been having simple thoughts. I mean that my heart carries heavy when I'm bound to hide what I am. I have to hide things around my family. If they knew what I did or how I acted they wouldn't understand me. I didn't at first I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing. Then I thought I had a mental issue but then as I read about things. I began to understand and embrace my self. I began to learn more things about who I was turning out to be. But I felt a inside battle for a very long time when I tried things. I thought that I was doing things just to enjoy a odd feeling a new high that was only by dressing up. I did think that all it was to enjoy a sexual feeling but then I felt my two spark attacking each other. Then I final after a talk with some body that I held real high in my book. I sat down and had a talk to my mother about what I was doing. I told her that I was still the son she had but in a different form that felt better explain. I sat down in one of my outfits and explained what I was feeling. I final was able to show her what i was talking about. I was able to let her in to things and I final had some body on my side that was a member of my family. now she has pasted and I have final was able to bring a another family member in to my fold. My own brother found out and well they didn't like it one bite. We haven't been able to talk about cause they think I a freak. I don't care what people think I am who I am born a male but live as both male and female.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Embrace of Who I am.

I can say that I have come to terms that I am not two different spark living the same body. I have come to terms that I enjoy being who I am. I have to take step to enjoy who I am no be hiding behind the lines that have been drawn in the sand so very long ago.

I vent out due the ideals of others that we have to keep to one role based on what we where born. This new world that has been around for god only know years is only getting stronger due to many people trying to embrace it. The news make showing of us. but still there are so many that fear us that don't know what we are.

I have gotten odd looks due to me walking in to a store wearing some female clothing and well not being female by birth. I hear whisper about me and I turn to them and just smile. Do people hate me for being me or do really hate that I look better in what I have on than they do. i don't have a female body but I am proud to be who I am.

If I spent more time making my self out then maybe they wouldn't fear me or whisper when I walk around. i have come to terms to merge my two sparks as a male and female in to one and grow more as a person instead of tearing my self apart. I love my body I love that that I am transgender. My kid does so to she has learned that I am not sick or mental but she enjoys helping my clothing style. I tell her that maybe some day we could share cloth and she just laugh telling I'm too big for her stuff. I'm filling both roles as a mother and father in her life so I am teaching both side too. This my story this is my embrace of who I am.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

More Daring!

I can say that I have become more daring with things. I have made steps outside dressed up a little here and there. I can say that I have come home from work not wearing the same clothing that I went to work in. I had made so many step in changing things around my house to make it better. My biggest fear is that some body will come over while I am in a female mode and start some thing with me. I mean it could be a family member or a friend here. There are people around me that just dont get what it feels like to dress out of the normal. I express my self more and more every day getting braver and stronger about it. I can say that I dont know to much how this little town would react if they found out that they had a transgender person amoung them. Would the look at me as the same person or as a freak and try to drive me out of town.

Dark Fear

I can say that I almost hit rock bottom. I felt sad and down due to how my life is going no where to fast.I tossed on a pair of my skinny jean and my sport bra. I stepped out to see how the weather was and so far not too bad. I had to duck out real quick cause I didn't want any body in my little town to see me just yet. I mean that I do dare to step out in some feminine jean and a few tops too. I can say that I had to keep my daring steps out to a short time cause I am not sure how people would react to my transformation from what they know to what they see.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Welcome to My Shadow

I can say that I have spent the pass 30 years with a hidden secret. I can say I have a nice little girl and a loving girlfriend. I know I should be happy , health person. I have a great job a nice little house.

I am part a nice litte commuitte and have been for a couple of years.

I can say that in some odd way I am not got a real happy time with having to hide in my own little shadow here.

Please enjoy the thoughts of a crazy person and please enjoy my thoughts LOL!!!!