Wednesday, April 28, 2010

No Picture Shoot.

I so badly wanted to do my own little picture shoot in part of my house but after working so long on the yard and working late nit's just took its toll. I will so deeply try to make it up and do it. I have older picture but none look good enough to post on any where. I also will have to try to do some work with my yahoo group to get more people to join there. I'm trying so hard to make things simple fly in to place but all it looks like is a big bird splat on my windshield. The flavor is got to be there or I just lose interest in it. Got to have spice of life to show who I am.

I am me hear me roar. I shall try to venture out in this big world and make my voice heard. i will not pass in to the nit like crying howls of a wolf. I shall raise my hands to the sky to embrace my joy and embark on this new journey I call LIFE. Ladies please take a stand don't let silence be your voice. Speak your mind challenge your self each day to get stronger smarter. If one door close hope will open one more for you.

Cheap Thrill

I can say that today was a fun time. I got on my way home from work when I notice that my van was starting to over heat. I thought oh this not what I wanted to face on my way home right now. Lucky me I had packed a couple of jugs of coolant to hold over till I got home. Thats not the real trick but what how I was dressed was the real trick. I was wearing a knee length black dress and a pair of my favorite heels. I pulled over to put the coolant in and trying to keep the wind from lifting my dress up was fun.

There is so much more that I had to do was trying to keep the dress down and not let every body see what I had on under it.  I almost spilled the coolant down the front of my dress and shoes too. The side of a highway is not the best place to be doing it but I had to or mess up my van. I had a laugh cause after I got every thing settled  and headed back in to the van a big truck blows by lifting the back of my dress flashing every body my rear. I had a long laugh on my way home.

I can say for once I was daring enough to stop to fix the coolant deal with my van while I was dressed up. I never would have done that before. I am taking more pride in my self and feeling my freedom open up to it now. But I think the lesson I learned the most not to wear a dress on the side of the highway and  watch for big truck to fly by too. I think I today after some rest I will try to do a little picture run to see how I turn out and maybe be daring that way too to post it out there.  Time to bring Laura out to the world that just hiding in my own little house all dressed up.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Work Day Blues

I can say that I am bound to hide my self at my job due to the nature of the type of work I do. I can't express my self like I want to do so. I did when I was on one shift and then when I moved to my new shift their I had to watch what I wear. Some of them are young fools and other old men that fear change. I find my self putting my feminine clothing on under my normal work clothing. When I do that I start to get hot and bothered doing my job.

I try so hard to blend in to my surrounding  and yet things do work out like they should. I feel that I work my self to the bone to make my self blend. The people that I try to call my friends don't get what I am. I find that my life is partly hidden due to who i am. If i could be more open with people that I call my friends then I would feel a lot better.

I find that when i am fulled dressed out thing feel much better. I don't feel bound to one form like when I am at work. I have to hide that I have woman's clothing on just so I don't get teased about it. I have a big fear that some body is going to find out and then all hell will break free. Like how I work will not get trusted that line for me will be drawn. Those kind of fears lay awake in my head all nite long as I work my fingers to the bone. I hope my life will show a up side some day.

My Group

I started a group a while back and have done very little with it. I have been working on it right now to make things better. I mean there was a time that I started to jump in to things and then went slow cause of what I was working on and other minor projects I popped up doing. I have been also looking on how I could get back to letting my thoughts out in many ways. By that I'm exploring my inner self and exploring the paths ahead of me. I am offering any body that read this a place in to my group to let your self out there too. Dont just hide here let your thoughts and feeling out there. If you have any kind of pictures that you feel you want to post then please do so. No body will judge you or ask you to judge them.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Simple thoughts

I can say that I have been having simple thoughts. I mean that my heart carries heavy when I'm bound to hide what I am. I have to hide things around my family. If they knew what I did or how I acted they wouldn't understand me. I didn't at first I didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing. Then I thought I had a mental issue but then as I read about things. I began to understand and embrace my self. I began to learn more things about who I was turning out to be. But I felt a inside battle for a very long time when I tried things. I thought that I was doing things just to enjoy a odd feeling a new high that was only by dressing up. I did think that all it was to enjoy a sexual feeling but then I felt my two spark attacking each other. Then I final after a talk with some body that I held real high in my book. I sat down and had a talk to my mother about what I was doing. I told her that I was still the son she had but in a different form that felt better explain. I sat down in one of my outfits and explained what I was feeling. I final was able to show her what i was talking about. I was able to let her in to things and I final had some body on my side that was a member of my family. now she has pasted and I have final was able to bring a another family member in to my fold. My own brother found out and well they didn't like it one bite. We haven't been able to talk about cause they think I a freak. I don't care what people think I am who I am born a male but live as both male and female.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Embrace of Who I am.

I can say that I have come to terms that I am not two different spark living the same body. I have come to terms that I enjoy being who I am. I have to take step to enjoy who I am no be hiding behind the lines that have been drawn in the sand so very long ago.

I vent out due the ideals of others that we have to keep to one role based on what we where born. This new world that has been around for god only know years is only getting stronger due to many people trying to embrace it. The news make showing of us. but still there are so many that fear us that don't know what we are.

I have gotten odd looks due to me walking in to a store wearing some female clothing and well not being female by birth. I hear whisper about me and I turn to them and just smile. Do people hate me for being me or do really hate that I look better in what I have on than they do. i don't have a female body but I am proud to be who I am.

If I spent more time making my self out then maybe they wouldn't fear me or whisper when I walk around. i have come to terms to merge my two sparks as a male and female in to one and grow more as a person instead of tearing my self apart. I love my body I love that that I am transgender. My kid does so to she has learned that I am not sick or mental but she enjoys helping my clothing style. I tell her that maybe some day we could share cloth and she just laugh telling I'm too big for her stuff. I'm filling both roles as a mother and father in her life so I am teaching both side too. This my story this is my embrace of who I am.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

More Daring!

I can say that I have become more daring with things. I have made steps outside dressed up a little here and there. I can say that I have come home from work not wearing the same clothing that I went to work in. I had made so many step in changing things around my house to make it better. My biggest fear is that some body will come over while I am in a female mode and start some thing with me. I mean it could be a family member or a friend here. There are people around me that just dont get what it feels like to dress out of the normal. I express my self more and more every day getting braver and stronger about it. I can say that I dont know to much how this little town would react if they found out that they had a transgender person amoung them. Would the look at me as the same person or as a freak and try to drive me out of town.

Dark Fear

I can say that I almost hit rock bottom. I felt sad and down due to how my life is going no where to fast.I tossed on a pair of my skinny jean and my sport bra. I stepped out to see how the weather was and so far not too bad. I had to duck out real quick cause I didn't want any body in my little town to see me just yet. I mean that I do dare to step out in some feminine jean and a few tops too. I can say that I had to keep my daring steps out to a short time cause I am not sure how people would react to my transformation from what they know to what they see.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Welcome to My Shadow

I can say that I have spent the pass 30 years with a hidden secret. I can say I have a nice little girl and a loving girlfriend. I know I should be happy , health person. I have a great job a nice little house.

I am part a nice litte commuitte and have been for a couple of years.

I can say that in some odd way I am not got a real happy time with having to hide in my own little shadow here.

Please enjoy the thoughts of a crazy person and please enjoy my thoughts LOL!!!!